Hi. Haaaave you met Clayton?

Many of you found my little blog here when I was recently Freshly Pressed last month for my post about Seinfeld. One of you even liked me enough to ask to do an interview swap, and that someone was Clayton Diggs. Clayton is a hilariously sarcastic and dry-witted redneck ass hole (I swear that’s not an insult, it’s all in his bio–take a peek) who loves reading about my coffee almost as much as I love drinking it. Plus, as he put it, he just had to interview me the moment he found out how awesome I am. Flattery will get you everywhere, my friend.

I’ll admit, I was a bit hesitant when he asked to do this, as our blog content is very different. But I thoroughly enjoy reading his rants, and I think you guys will, too. Especially his recent post about Mr. Rogers. It’s my fave.

And to learn more about Clayton (including his love for Charlize Theron and the phrase “Hot damn!”) he’s answered some of my most burning questions below. In the interest of full disclosure, he’s censored himself a bit to better accommodate the vibe I like to cultivate here at Caffeinated & Random. Expect an even heavier dose of all things Clayton when you visit his blog. You can also go there to check out my answers to his questions, as I’m sure you don’t know enough about me already 🙂

This is Clayton. He’s on a boat wearing a cowboy hat. Apparently this is what they do in the deep south. I’ve never been.

1. What inspires your pieces? News stories, personal experience, wildly specific dream sequences?

Alcohol, sex, roadkill, and midgets.  Have you ever seen a female midget dance the Tarantella with a three-legged goat at three in the morning?  Well, that makes two of us.  Listen, the way I look at it, inspiration is all around us.  It’s in our loved ones, our friends, our children, and in my pants.  That’s because, of course, I keep my son in my pants.  That’s what I call my you-know-what – I call it “my son.” But in all seriousness, my two-year old son really does inspire the hell out of me.  He’s the most amazing human being I’ve ever met.

2. What’s your favorite topic to write about?

Alcohol, sex, roadkill, and midgets.  The order varies.  But if I had to narrow it down to one of those, I’d say: Your mother.  She’s a lovely woman and her pastries are first rate.

3. Are there any topics that you want to write about but you avoid?

I try to avoid writing about slavery and the Holocaust –they’re very serious, touchy topics – but both are just so damn funny that I find myself going there again and again.  After all, what’s hilarious if not the oppression of a subjugated people or the murder of a bunch of educated, shrewd bankers?  Oh no he didn’t!  Oy vey he did!  To be clear: I find racial bias, anti-Semitism, homophobia, and prejudice in general to be detestable.  I feel a responsibility to address any and all topics in my blog, especially if they’re possibly uncomfortable for bigots of any stripe.

4. I’ve noticed that you use the phrase “hot damn” a lot, and I would call it your catch phrase. Is that a Southern thing, or a Clayton thing?

I think mostly it’s a retarded thing.  When I was a kid I had a horse kick me in the brain several times and then violate my small, unconscious body over and over again.  The messed up thing?  I kind of liked it.  Hot damn!

5. When did you decide that you wanted to be a writer? Was it something you always knew, or was there a “hot damn!” sort of moment?

What is “writer”?

6. Do you feel like sometimes people don’t get your dry wit and just think you’re an ass hole (sic)?

No, I fully expect that they realize I’m actually a(n)* blithering asshole.

7. What is it about Charlize Theron that makes her butt so damn appealing to you (not that I disagree with its appeal)?

I guess it’s the fact that it’s like a taco salad: crunchy on the outside and gooey on the inside.

8. What will you say to your son the day you drop him off at college (or trade school, first apartment, random street corner, etc)?

First off, I think it’s very important for him to realize that he’s driving himself.  As to advice:  College advice: “Don’t get herpes.” Trade school advice: “Don’t get gonorrhea.” First apartment advice: “Don’t get a roommate.  If you do, don’t get herpes or gonorrhea.” Random street corner advice: “Don’t take less than $20 for any service, especially if it leads to herpes or gonorrhea.”

9. You say that you have a few pieces of fiction in the works. What are they about?

They’re mostly about fictional stuff.  My novel, for instance, is about how evil, possibly extra-terrestrial beings are looking for ways to control our minds and bodies, supposedly for our own good, but in fact just to serve their own selfish interests through world domination.  Wait, I feel like I’m talking about our government…does that still count as fiction?

10. Do you have a book deal for these, and if you do, how can I get one?

My book deal is amazing.  It goes like this: I sweat blood and tears for six years to produce something mediocre yet commercially viable for which my agent and publisher take the credit and money.  Good deal.  You can get this deal by being a dumb, gullible jackass.

11. Did you find that last question an irritating angle for me to try and get famous?

No.  I found that your last ten questions all reside at the intersection of several angles that converge at a point designed to bring you fame and fortune.

12. Do you want to be famous?

I am famous.  My baby mamas and illegitimate children all know me well from child support hearings.  Don’t tell my son.  He’s only two and he thinks that the way I’ve given them the slip is really smooth.1What is your coffee drink of choice? If it’s not from Starbucks I won’t take offense (I actually like Caribou better, but there’s not one by my office).

13. What is your coffee drink of choice? If it’s not from Starbucks I won’t take offense (I actually like Caribou better, but there’s not one by my office).

Any coffee drink that is at least 51% bourbon.

14. Do you think Starbucks will refuse to sponsor my blog because I mentioned Caribou?

No.  I think Starbucks will refuse to sponsor your blog because of the rotting corpses sealed in your wall plaster.

15. What is your favorite book and why?

I haven’t written it yet. When I do write it I’ll probably call it “The Sun Also Rises.”

16. What’s your favorite word? Choose wisely.

Hot damn, that’s a tough one!  No, wait… “hot damn” is my answer.  It that’s not a viable answer, then I’ll amend it to “compassion.”

17. In the event that there is a nuclear holocaust and you’re about to go down into a bunker/you’re stranded on a desert island/about to be shot up into space while the Earth crumbles to a pile of ash, what item(s) would you bring with you?

Charlize Theron’s butt.  Oh, and the rest of her too.

18. What’s your favorite sport and what sports do you find annoying? (hint: the answer to the second half of that question is “soccer”)

First off, soccer is awesome.  Soccer is awesome because it’s gay, and being gay is awesome because gay people are happy.  Not that I’m gay.  Far from it.  My pink tutu is very masculine and I only wear it to the supermarket.   I guess if I had to choose a sport as my favorite it would be bourbon-drenched marathon sessions of devouring philosophical texts.  Oh, and lovemaking.

19. Do you swear as much in daily conversation as you do on your blog? Because I tend to clean myself up, whereas you kind of just go for it.

First of all, I don’t know what the @$#% you’re trying to #$@%ing imply.

20. Boxers or briefs?

Good question – and one that I feel deserves the proper analysis that only comes by bringing to bear the uninterrupted focusing of one’s complete faculties.  Sadly, my faculties have been interrupted and incomplete for some time, so I’ll just say: Your mother.  She’s a lovely woman and her pastries are first rate.

 

*Noun-pronoun agreement should obey the rule that a noun employing a first-letter vowel shall take the pronoun “an” in the place of “a” as in: “an asshole.”  In the case of an infixed adjectival modifier, the rule shall still apply, as in: “an blithering asshole.”  However, as most readers will register “an blithering asshole” as a grammatical error, Dr. Diggs has opted for the post-modern usage: “a(n) blithering asshole.”

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8 thoughts on “Hi. Haaaave you met Clayton?

  1. what the f is wrong with this guy… wow…i don’t even know what to say… i think i’m going to be sick, but i am laughing

    Like

  2. I am NOT Clayton Diggs pumping up response volume on my own interview. I am NOT…um, er…look at the size of that cat!!!!

    NOT CLAYTON

    Like

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