Things You’ll Never Catch Me Doing on Facebook

 

Here’s the thing about my Facebook: I don’t really contribute to it anymore.

In college (when Facebook was new and cool instead of something that I can’t bring myself to get rid of) I would be writing on friends’ walls and commenting on photos constantly. I’d update my status once or twice (or 3 times, don’t judge) a day. Now, I barely update my status once a week. I use Twitter instead, to post my random thoughts, or photos, or links to articles. I use Facebook to stalk. Don’t judge, you know you do the same thing. When the Newsfeed came out, everyone was outraged. But then we saw the value. It was all right there, laid out in chronological order, ready to click on, every juicy morsel. When people added photos, when they changed their relationship status, every little thing they did, we knew immediately. We knew if someone we hated had gotten kicked out of school, or knocked up, or arrested. We knew if someone we had a secret crush on broke up with their girlfriend. It was great, for awhile. Then it took a turn.

People started doing really annoying things on Facebook, and my Newsfeed was a dumping ground for things that I didn’t need or want to know. This is partly why I pulled back from Facebook. I don’t want to be one of those people. If you do one (or more) of these things below, I’m sure you’re a lovely person, and I hope we continue to be friends. But I have to let you know that you’ll never catch me doing them. If you do, I’d like a swift kick in the head Chuck Norris style.

1. Taking pictures of my pregnant belly week-to-week while wearing a sports bra. Seriously, save that for the father.

2. Posting angsty song lyrics as my status.

3. Posting any song lyrics as my status.

4. Copying and re-posting something and telling others to re-post it under penalty of bad luck/puppy killings/other assorted punishments, or insinuating that it will aid the cure of a disease or stop Facebook from changing something.

5. Announcing my pregnancy by changing my profile picture to a sonogram.

6. Getting into a faceless argument about politics. They never end well.

7. TyPiNg WiTh AlTeRnAtInG cApItAl AnD lOwErCaSe LeTtErS. I’m not 14, and this isn’t MySpace.

8. Posting a vague status about being sad so that everyone will ask me what’s wrong. Sorry, but I think that real problems and advice-seeking deserve at least a text message to someone you trust and speak with often, not a general request for sympathy to the Facebook void.

9. Playing any games where I have to hound all my friends for livestock, seeds, or any other virtual good. I have no interest in helping your digital chickens lay digital eggs. Sorry, but not sorry.

10. Connecting my Twitter so I’m constantly blowing up all my friends’ Newsfeeds with gems like “I want a cupcake real bad. Or a donut.” Yeah. I tweeted that. This is why I like to keep my social networks separate.

11. Posting pictures of myself that I take in the mirror. Once again, not 14, not MySpace.

12. Constantly updating everyone about my workouts. If you’re in shape, I already know from stalking your photos. And if I’m not stalking your photos, then I don’t care.

13. Posting any awkward or disgusting pictures that assault people’s eyes. Including, but not limited to: someone with really gross teeth, a surgical procedure, some sort of gruesome injury, or Dick Cheney.