Things You’ll Never Catch Me Doing on Facebook


Here’s the thing about my Facebook: I don’t really contribute to it anymore.

In college (when Facebook was new and cool instead of something that I can’t bring myself to get rid of) I would be writing on friends’ walls and commenting on photos constantly. I’d update my status once or twice (or 3 times, don’t judge) a day. Now, I barely update my status once a week. I use Twitter instead, to post my random thoughts, or photos, or links to articles. I use Facebook to stalk. Don’t judge, you know you do the same thing. When the Newsfeed came out, everyone was outraged. But then we saw the value. It was all right there, laid out in chronological order, ready to click on, every juicy morsel. When people added photos, when they changed their relationship status, every little thing they did, we knew immediately. We knew if someone we hated had gotten kicked out of school, or knocked up, or arrested. We knew if someone we had a secret crush on broke up with their girlfriend. It was great, for awhile. Then it took a turn.

People started doing really annoying things on Facebook, and my Newsfeed was a dumping ground for things that I didn’t need or want to know. This is partly why I pulled back from Facebook. I don’t want to be one of those people. If you do one (or more) of these things below, I’m sure you’re a lovely person, and I hope we continue to be friends. But I have to let you know that you’ll never catch me doing them. If you do, I’d like a swift kick in the head Chuck Norris style.

1. Taking pictures of my pregnant belly week-to-week while wearing a sports bra. Seriously, save that for the father.

2. Posting angsty song lyrics as my status.

3. Posting any song lyrics as my status.

4. Copying and re-posting something and telling others to re-post it under penalty of bad luck/puppy killings/other assorted punishments, or insinuating that it will aid the cure of a disease or stop Facebook from changing something.

5. Announcing my pregnancy by changing my profile picture to a sonogram.

6. Getting into a faceless argument about politics. They never end well.

7. TyPiNg WiTh AlTeRnAtInG cApItAl AnD lOwErCaSe LeTtErS. I’m not 14, and this isn’t MySpace.

8. Posting a vague status about being sad so that everyone will ask me what’s wrong. Sorry, but I think that real problems and advice-seeking deserve at least a text message to someone you trust and speak with often, not a general request for sympathy to the Facebook void.

9. Playing any games where I have to hound all my friends for livestock, seeds, or any other virtual good. I have no interest in helping your digital chickens lay digital eggs. Sorry, but not sorry.

10. Connecting my Twitter so I’m constantly blowing up all my friends’ Newsfeeds with gems like “I want a cupcake real bad. Or a donut.” Yeah. I tweeted that. This is why I like to keep my social networks separate.

11. Posting pictures of myself that I take in the mirror. Once again, not 14, not MySpace.

12. Constantly updating everyone about my workouts. If you’re in shape, I already know from stalking your photos. And if I’m not stalking your photos, then I don’t care.

13. Posting any awkward or disgusting pictures that assault people’s eyes. Including, but not limited to: someone with really gross teeth, a surgical procedure, some sort of gruesome injury, or Dick Cheney.


33 thoughts on “Things You’ll Never Catch Me Doing on Facebook

  1. You know what I hate? People that throw their smug shit in your face. I don’t mind it when someone says “I’m feeling happy today!” but I have this cousin who constantly posts “Oh I’m home from work so early!” when everyone is not even thinking about leaving work yet.

    That, and people who constantly post pictures of their kids, well past their baby stages.

    OMG this cousin of mine iZ toTaLLy ANNoyinGzz!


  2. Hahaha! Great post – I agree with almost all of them but I am guilty of using song lyrics as status updates at times… 🙂


  3. Can we add posting daily pictures of ANYTHING? Sure your kid is cute (and by cute I mean fugly as sin) but I don’t need a daily reminder of why I fully support and encourage proper birth control usage. Same with food, I don’t care about your breakfast every freaking day of the week.


  4. These are exactly all of the things that drive me away from Facebook! Number 8 is the worst, I can’t handle that. People post those things, but then wonder why people ‘can’t mind their own business’. Love this post!


  5. Love this! I definitely agree with all of them, even though in the past I posted song lyrics as a status. (It was a bad break-up.) I’ve pretty much reduced my facebooking to keeping in touch with friends and family overseas.


  6. I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who feels like you do! I made the move from Facebook to Twitter a few months ago and have not looked back. I did have to comment on the mindless use of hashtags in Facebook though. It annoys the heck out of me.


  7. “8. Posting a vague status about being sad so that everyone will ask me what’s wrong. ”
    Sooo true! It cracks me up so much when people do that…but I have to admit I am guilty of doing that my self. I’m also guilty of making faces with google eyes like this: 0_o. Remember, this is a no-judging zone (lol) #7…ugh. I swear that social networking it ruining the English language! Should I put another LOL here too?


  8. Most of these are big pet peeves of mine with facebook…granted, I AM guilty of (occasionally) posting a small lyric in my status. But it will generally just be a line or two….not the entire song. I laughed so hard reading this.


  9. You are so right!

    I find so many contacts posting updates that say something is wrong, but without saying any more. That’s frustrating, it’s like leaving a message for the help desk and saying “I have a problem”. Just give me the description first time around.

    Then the sad stories and bad news. You only have the option of Liking them, not Dis-Liking them. Frustrating…

    Then like you said the shared stuff, like “Find Out Who Is Viewing Your Profile”, which we all know are just scripts that are going to send this to each and every one of your friends, so don’t click on it ok!

    Finally, teenagers like my wife’s neice, who post photos of themselves looking like a tramp that you would only pick up off a street corner if you were really desperate.

    Enough of the photos that people take themselves using their phone and which have horrible poses, and when you post your holiday snaps etc, please don’t post all the blurry ones and all the other outtakes. Make sure you rotate the damn things too before you upload, because I really don’t need to rotate my head to try and see them.


  10. Haha, I must have friends that are “better” at social networking? I never see any posts like these. And if I didn’t have Facebook, I wouldn’t get to keep up with my friends and family who live all over the country (and world). Everyone says that they don’t need it because they can call, but when you have TONS of people that you want to keep up with, calling isn’t very realistic. But hey, I guess it’s all about who you add as a friend!


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