Online Dating 101: Don’t Be Awkward

What can I say to this girl to completely freak her out….?

Alright, due to the fact that I married my highschool/college sweetheart, I have never used an online dating site, but I’ve heard it can be a really great thing. I know lots of people in really happy relationships that started on an online dating site. However, they certainly attract their fair share of weirdos–especially the free ones. If you really want to get married, my sources tell me that you should use eHarmony. But again, what do I know?

One of my friends recently got out of a long-term relationship (like 6 years kind of long-term) and decided to go on Plenty Of Fish just to dip her toe back into the dating world. She has gotten some hilarious messages, some awkward messages, and this absolute gem, below. We were cracking up hard core about it yesterday (while listening to Call Me Maybe), and it’s too good to not share with the world.  I should mention that the only information her profile contains is that she likes to bake, she has a pug named Charlie, and she loves WVU football. It’s worded more entertainingly than that, but that is the gist. And this guy seemed to think that he could see into her soul based on these three facts and a head shot. Please, enjoy his message, I know I did–my comments are in italics 🙂

I had to reply to you, (Um, she didn’t message you) cause as I viewed you, (?) It’s like you come off as a woman who takes love very seriously, as If sometimes Cupid exists, or sometimes it don’t. (“Sometimes it don’t”? Sorry. You fail already because you can’t construct a proper sentence) You sound like a very harmonious individual, who believes in balance. (Um, like balancing a pie and a football?) You are the true definition of what a classy lady is. You deserve the best, and can’t stand cheap attempts at love. (Well, I’d like to think so) You work hard to get where you are, (All you know is what city she lives in) and you sound like the type of person who will listen to both sides and be fair, because you’re heart is always open to reasoning… (Both sides of what? Are you planning on dating her and cheating on her already and want her to be open to forgiving you?) but a guy has to know, to be patient with you, (Okay?) you hate being rushed, (She does?) you hate arguing, (It’s nice that you know her so well) and If you do argue watch out now, you’re not afraid to cuss him out.. -lol (Why are we laughing now? I thought you were trying to seriously see into her soul, don’t break out the online acronyms now, come on buddy. Also, please stop capitalizing letters that shouldn’t be capitalized) I can also understand a woman like yourself (Like who?) can be late arriving.. but certain qualities can be dealt with, (Are you saying you’ll forgive her if she’s late for a date? What qualities can’t “be dealt with”? What about insisting that you put the seat down? Or forgetting to turn the oven off? I need some more specificity) I’m sure you can off as informative, you like to know things, and will ask questions until you get the answer you love to gossip and talk for hours and I bet you love movies and comedy… (1. This was a run-on-sentence, 2. You’re missing several words to make this a coherent thought within a run-on-sentence 3. I really don’t understand where you’re getting all this information) when you apply your love to a man, (dirty) you want it to be perfect.. a guy has to know you don’t like him all up under you, (dirty again, quit it with the double entendre) because you’re a people person who probably has lots of friends, make friends, and likes to party.. a good man will know that. (Can we just address the fact that an ellipses has 3 periods in it? And you can’t just use it in every other sentence, or it becomes meaningless) I can understand your heart is uncondtional, (It’s spelled unconditional, you forgot an ‘i’) when you like someone you are focused on him, and he means so much. how can a guy not attempt or try to say Hi. (Just saying ‘Hi’ would’ve been a much better idea for you… –see, that’s a correct use of an ellipses) Well, all I have is honesty and loyalty, most guys these days are dogs, well I’ll say I’m one, (Well that was a horrible plan) only because it takes a good woman to train one to make him obedient and loving and strong. (I thought guys didn’t like being compared to dogs. Hm, my bad)  I don’t want to be typical just a friend who’s interested in you (It’s nice that you guys were friends without speaking or meeting. BTW that’s never going to happen. Good luck out there)