The Hubbster is constantly making fun of me for loving crappy movies. But I can’t help it, I’m a sucker for the cheese! I do have standards for my crappy movies. For instance, they have to have a happy ending. A bad movie that doesn’t leave me smiling at the end is completely pointless. And they usually have to have a hot guy in them. Eye candy has a scientific ability to counteract poorly-written dialogue. You can’t argue with that. It’s science.
There is no way that I’m alone in this, so here’s a little peek into the craptastic films that steal my heart. I hope they do the same for you, so I can feel less silly!
5. National Treasure
I’m not really sure why Nicholas Cage thinks that we are at all fooled by the professional magic that is performed on his “hair,” but frankly that’s the least of my worries in this beyond crazy storyline. There are numerous issues that should bother me: Does nobody notice how hot Justin Bartha is just because you put some glasses on him? Why doesn’t the tour guide see them going up to the steeple at Independence Hall? Why does the Declaration of Independence not fall apart instantly in the open air? Because seriously, it should.
But ya know what? Not even Nic’s miraculous ability to nail Diane Kruger with that hair distracts me from how awesome this movie is. Every time I want a feel-good movie, I tell the Hubbster I want to watch National Treasure. Nine times out of ten he shoots me down. But, recently he put in The Last King of Scotland. I had to stop watching it about half an hour in, because while Forrest Whittaker was amazing, I knew where it was heading (for torture and murder and other bad things). So I instead went to the bedroom to read. After it was over, he came in and said “I need to watch something happy.” I said “National Treasure?!” He said “Yes.”
4. Letters to Juliet
The number of times I’ve watched this movie is actually a bit embarrassing. It’s a lot. Saw it in the theaters. Rented it via Redbox at least once, and iTunes at least twice. When we went to get our TV at midnight on Black Friday last year, it went quite smoothly. We were about the 20th people in line, they had carts with the TV’s already in them, grabbed them, and had time to do some browsing in the DVD section. This was $3. I grabbed it and said “I don’t care, I love this movie and I’m buying it.” It really is terrible though. Even Emma won’t watch it with me. Aside from Vanessa Redgrave, who is an inarguable legend, the acting is sub-par. The dialogue doesn’t really help the acting, and the story line is super predictable. But the scenery is gorgeous, and there’s nothing I love more than a hot Brit (sorry Hubbster, but a British accent is really the only thing you can do to be hotter in my eyes, so just deal with it). There is no earthly reason why I should love this movie. But I do, so sue me.
3. She’s The Man
I don’t want to try and count how many times I’ve seen this movie. It will make you all judge me. I could probably say every line. Seriously. There were two movies that my beloved roommate Jaclyn and I watched on a regular basis in college: Moulin Rouge, and She’s the Man. And by regular basis, I mean once a week. Possibly twice. It was both pitiful and awesome. I choose to focus on the awesome. Come on, it’s based on Shakespeare! And it has Channing Tatum before he got all famous and was in everything. It can’t be that bad, right?!
I actually tricked the Hubbster into seeing this when we were dating in high school. I was sick, and when we went to the video store (remember when you would go to a store to rent movies?) I got to pick the movie. I grabbed this, and he was fine with it. Why? Because Amanda Bynes was on the cover in a tank top and mini skirt. Little did he know that she was dressed as a dude the whole movie. Maniacal laaaaaaaaaugh.
I’m going to play it straight with you. Clueless is not a good movie by critical standards. It over-uses phrases such as “As if!” has its characters wearing flat-out impractical hats, and is generally ridiculous in its portrayal of teenage life. But guess what? Every girl my age wanted to have Cher’s closet (ideally located on the Spice Girl bus). That’s just how we rolled. And we still love Clueless to this day. Even if Paul Rudd is kind of her step brother… and it’s creepy that he wants to date a 16-year-old when he’s 21… or however old his character is.
But I will contest that it doesn’t get much better than makeover montages weaved into a classic Jane Austen story. That’s right, this movie is based on the Jane Austen novel “Emma.” Bam. Whaddup. The haters have been schooled, and Clueless reigns supreme. Lawyered.
1. Can’t Hardly Wait
This movie is everything that was good about the 90s. I can’t do it justice in a paragraph. The clothes, the narration into the camera, Seth Green, the soft focus on Jennifer Love Hewitt with her boobs practically bursting forth from her tank top… Not to mention the amount of future talent packed into the background. Namely Jason Segel, who is sitting by the pool (completely stoned) when J. Love is searching for ‘The Bass Player’ from That Thing You Do. His real name is Ethan Embry. But I always think of him as ‘The Bass Player’.
If you are a child of the 90s and haven’t seen this movie, you need to. As soon as humanly possible. Feel free to report back to me 🙂